I’m sick of letting fear control me
Sometimes I feel trapped in my own body. Not in the way that I don’t want to be in it. Just in the way that I feel like if I were someone else, I would be able to experience so many more wonderful and amazing things in this life. There is so much fear in this body – fear of losing control, fear of failure and rejection, fear of the unknown. But underneath all this fear is this intense curiosity about what is on the other side of that fear. I’ve always wanted to know how to turn my fear into motivation – into something that drives me forward and moves me to action. Because the truth is, if I continue to let fear control my life, then I may as well give up on the idea of living a life that I am proud of; a life that truly excites me. And I don’t think I was put on this planet to do that.
I often have this huge urge to just jump. I want to buy that plane ticket on a whim, without the slightest idea of who, what, when, where or why. I think this is because if I think about it too much before I act, I know that my fear will take over and I will never do the things that I want to do. And my problem with that is, it causes me so much more fear afterwards that I end up doing things to make it less scary. For example, in the middle of the year, I decided to book a solo trip over east to Brisbane, because I so desperately wanted to travel and I secretly wanted to push myself as far out of my comfort zone as possible. About a month before, I was talking to my mum and we ended up deciding that she should come with me, just for the beginning week. And of course I wanted my mum to come! I love spending time with her, and I thought that it would be fun to have some time just with my mum. But then after a while, I realised that it was kinda defeating the purpose of the whole exercise. We ended up having a great time, and by the end of it I decided I would just take the plane back with her as I was tired and ready to come home (or terrified of staying on my own). But I felt unaccomplished after the trip. I had set out to do something that terrified me, but it ended up in just being a fun holiday with my mum (I mean, I’m not complaining, but I was just slightly unimpressed with myself).
So there is always a part of me that tries to weasel my way out of doing things that scare me after I have told myself that I will do it. And it frustrates the hell out of me. Another time when I was traveling with my family in New Zealand, I had told myself that I was going to bunji jump. And when the day came, I told my parents that I had changed my mind and I would do it another time when I had friends with me because it would be ‘more fun’, which also meant ‘I’m kinda shitting myself right now and I’m going to run as far away as I can’. This pisses me off. Because I know on the other side of that fear is something amazing and I always let my fear stop me from doing things that I know are right for me. I just want to jump off that cliff and fly instead of standing on the edge for hours and hoping that someone will push me.
“Be fearless. Have the courage to take risks. Go where there are no guarantees. Get out of your comfort zone, even if it means being uncomfortable. The road less travelled is sometimes fraught with barricades, bumps, and uncharted terrain. But it is on that road where your character is truly tested – and your personal growth realised.” – Katie Couric